A lost cause

Something just clicked
We spent hours with one another
dreading our time apart
Thinking I had found true love
Only to have it ripped out
From under me

Slowly slipping
Into the great unkown
What is the pain I feel
Losing all desire for anything

Tears come without warning
Searching for what I had
Coming up empty at every turn

Letting bitterness take control
Trying to mask the pain
Not letting anyone near

Running from it all
The only way to survive
Knowing that
I'll never be able to out run the pain
but not wanting to truly embrace it

I am a man in Limbo
A lost cause

Man is an island

John Donne wrote:
"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
It is obvious that Mr. Donne had never stepped onto the campus of any high school or college, since he passed away in 1631. Now a days, man is an island. I walk down the hall at Utah Valley y on occasion, I meander through the campus at BYU. I am amazed how many people I see walking with each other, but not with each other because they both are listening to their own music coming from their own ipod.
The other day, I decided to follow suit and try to be like the normal college student, young American and listen to my ipod while walking to my class. I lasted a whole 15-30 seconds before I had to take the ear phones out y turn the music off. I love listening to my music, but I cannot help but wonder if Ipods are isolating others from enjoying each others company.
To be it is a sign of selfishness. You are sending a message out to the world, stating that no one else matters but you y your music. I feel like the sounds nature y everyday life could disappear, just like elevator music, y no one would notice, since they are all stuck in their own world.




Now ipods are not a bad invention, I mean I enjoy mine, when I am home alone trying to relax after a taxing day or when I have to more the acre lot in front of my house, but other than that, I'd rather talk to with others during the day.
My friend y I were running one night y passed two girls running together, but each girl had their ipod, so they really couldn't enjoy the run together or talk. Reagan y I were dumbfounded on what we saw.
So please unplug those headphones y enjoy life. Listen to the sounds of nature, meet someone new in between classes. It will only help you become a better person y might help you expand your personal bubble.

Burning Bridges

Well my good friend Si (CY) y I, spent a little over 90 min talking to our institute teachers on Friday. First we talked to his about what we can y cannot speak about, about the temple in helping others prepare to enter. It was an interesting conversation to be apart of, while with Sister Hepworth we ended up talking about what guys do wrong when it comes to first dates y dating in general. The one thing that stuck out to me is, when we are no longer dating, we burn the bridges down.
I do not know one person that has not burned, at least one, bridge down in their life. I know that I have had my fair share y at times wish I could go back y rebuild those. She also mentioned that she can still sit down with her old boyfriends y be friends with them. I can do that with all of the girls I have dated but three. The girls are not in a particular order either.

The first one I wasn't the one that burnt the bridge, she shot me a text telling me that I was uninvited to her wedding y reception. I see her all of the time at school y it's awkward, but I still laugh at it.

The second is a girl that was my best friend, I miss her still to this day. We didn't completely burn down the bridge after we broke it off, but we left it deserted for a few months. We tried again at what we had the first time, it felt familiar but it wasn't the same. I then burned the bridge when she kept assuming that I wanted to get back together with her when we would talk.

The third girl, is a sweet girl. We both burned the bridge after we did things that we wish we could take back. I hope the best for her, but it is still hard to see her with out feeling the guilt creep inside of me.

I guess the moral of this post is to find closure in your relationships when the end, so that the bridge you built is still intact. I mean we are in other peoples lives, to either build them up or build ourselves up.

Don't be like me y regret burning down a bridge that you had built with an amazing friend, girl 2. I wish were still talking one with another, I miss our conversations that we would have all night long. She still is the only girl I've stayed up all night with talking y not feeling the pressure to do anything but sit there y talk.

One date is to mkae new friends y not lead to courtship.

Yet again, I strike out before I take a swing

It's true, to become a .300 hitter you have to take the bat off your shoulders. I've had a problem these past few months, that I have been home from the Carni life, with dating. I want to date, I even convince myself that I am going to ask certain girls out, but I cannot allow myself to go through with it. Am I scared, any guy would be lying if he told you that he wasn't nervous in asking out a girl he might be interested in.
Being scared isn't the problem because as a friend once stated,
"The scariest things in life, are the most rewarding!"
I'm to hard on myself, I see other guys with girls I'm interested in y I allow the adversary to tell me that the girls are better off without having the option in going out with me or not. He wins 90% of the time once that argument is started. I think that is one of the biggest reasons, that I have started to become a hermit.
I come out of my cave at night, when I know that I will not see anybody that might recognize me. I only talk to the same 6 people week after week, but lately have been slipping away from them. I don't do the wild y crazy anymore, I'm trying to think about the consequences before I do any actions.
I don't know what is wrong with me, maybe I am growing up but I doubt it. I need to move y figure life out, that is all!!! Plus I need to stop thinking things through so much y live on a whim again.

Perfect

I don't know if I have ever posted about the guys I work with, but last night during my marathon shift here, I Am Sam was on TV, (Watching movies is one of the only thing that doesn't put me to sleep) y here is just one of the clips of dialogue that touched me;

Sam: Yeah, but I tried, I tried hard.
Rita: Try harder!
Sam: Yeah, but you don't know, you don't know!
Rita: I don't know WHAT?
Sam: Yeah, you don't know what is like when you try, and you try, and you try, and you try, and you don't ever get there! Because you were born perfect and I was born like this, and you're perfect!
Rita: Oh, is that right?
Sam: People like you don't know...
Rita: People like me?
Sam: People like you don't know what is like to get hurted. Because you don't have feelings. People like you don't feel anything!

I then sit back y realize that people do treat others that have disabilities differently. I took my guys to see the new Narnia movie at the $1 theater y the lady that was sitting behind us, as soon as we sat down, ushered her 2 kids to seats farther away from us, looking at me like I was insane for endangering her family with my guys.
Since I've been working with my guys, I've spent less time with the people I usually hung out with growing up. It's not that I have meant to do it, but I've learned so many lessons here at work. In my mind these three are just as perfect as a kid that has not reached the age of accountability that we read about in the scriptures.
The first thing that I have learned is the lesson of compassion! Have you ever been having a horrible day y do not know how to make it feel better? There are not many normal people that will take the time to figure out why, you feel bad or truly try to make you feel better. The thing is people that have mental retardation are some of the only people I know that will see a stranger crying y almost demand to give them a hug y tell them that they are loved. I know that there are some of us, that would do the same thing, but these guys are like little kids, they seriously want everyone to be happy.
Love is another feeling I've learned about here during my time with my guys. There isn't a day that doesn't go by where they are not looking for their daily hugs from me. They also will tell you how much they love you, at least 2-3 times a day. They are not ashamed of their feelings, but I wonder if we just assume ourselves that no one needs to hear it from us.
They've also mastered the art of forgiveness! I've seen so many of them say mean y hurtful things to one another only to turn right around 10 seconds later feeling bad y seeking forgiveness from whomever they have wronged. They might have told me to shut up, or that they were mad at me, but they are quick to say sorry while the other guys will always forgive them.
People are scared of what they don't know or understand. I figure that is why some people are afraid of people that I work with. Doing so, makes them feel like they are worthless y they ask us some times, do people think I'm retarded or I wish I was more perfect like you. Whenever that happens I want to take them into my arms, but again the law says I can't. We do talk though y I mention to them that they are better for what they have, not what they do not have. They have mastered three of the Christ like attributes that I am trying to obtain or perfect even more. People with a handicap are closer to being like Christ in this earth than most of us will ever be.
Try not to pass judgment to quickly, you might be surprised what you learn about others!

The Never List

I was reading a random blog of y they had a Never List. That is a list of things that you will never do. I'm ashamed to admit that my list is going to be a reminder never to do anything that I've already done in the future.

The list is subject to change, but for now this is it.

Never take the Gospel for granted
Never let fear win
Never let hatred control how I treat others
Never go a day without forgiving others
Never put myself in dangerous situations again
Never lose faith in the Lord
Never lose faith in myself
Never leave things unsaid
Never think that I am without wrong
Never give up on Love
Never fall back into my vices
Never stay quiet when I should voice what I believe in.

Fire

That is the only word I can think of that can describe what I've been through these past 24 hours. I've had sore throats before y I've been able to just buck up y handle it, but last night my throat would wake me up about every hour, keeping me from sleeping much. Try imagining a fan while camping y you can feel the warmth of the camp fire, now imagine that heated is found inside of your own throat y then intensify it 100 times. It turns out that I have strep throat, I don't remember the last time that I had strep. It was bad enough that I wasted the whole day in bed, I hate being lazy, but alas today was worth it. I am on the mend y hope to make it to school tomorrow, well today to be honest!