Growing up is hard, but harder when people still expect you to be the person you were in high school, 2 years ago or even 6 months ago.

People tell me that I have grown up a lot over the past few months, but my good friends, still act as if I am the irresponsible one, the screw up that can't be serious. I don't like the way, that I feel around them, I hate feeling inferior to anyone. I can't say that about feeling superior, but I only like that feeling when playing sports. I want to be equal to others.

I have grown up a lot. A year ago, if you told me that I would have the best semesters of my life, I wouldn't have believed you. Or that I would have been engaged y then have it called off, again I wouldn't have believed you.

I guess, I hate being around my old friends, because all I see is how I have, yet again, screwed my life up. How I had something awesome in Kate, but again I did something wrong.

I know this, no matter what, I am a better person because of Kate. She helped my focus on what is important in my life.

I realized that I have a lot of complications in my life, I am broken y I have no idea how to fix me. I put a mask on, so that those that know me don't see the pain that I am really in. I don't want to be a burden on others, I just want to be me y happy again.

Reflecting

I've taken a step back this past week to really look at my life y see where I have wandered in this path entitled "Life" y I realized that I didn't like it. I'd allowed myself to become a jerk to others y spiritually I was dead, I hadn't read my scriptures in the longest time y Heaven knows how long it has been since I've attended a temple session.

I feel bad because I was pushing everyone away y I didn't know it, all I knew is that I didn't want anyone around, I wanted to be alone all of the time y didn't care about anything. It wasn't until my Mother came downstairs y asked me what was wrong did I realize that others could really see that I wasn't in a good spot. I decided that day that I had to change my life around or I would continue on my spiral out of control y wake up someone I don't want to be.

On a brighter note, my birthday is Saturday y I dunno what I should do, as in where should I go to celebrate? If I have any readers, which is highly unlikely, I want to leave town to enjoy the start of my 24th year somewhere, but where should I go?

Learning my faults

Like they say everyone differs from the person next to them y I should know this since I am going into a field where I study people y watch them. They also say only a fool will try the same thing twice after it failed the first time.
So the last girl I dated was an amazing person, I mean AMAZING. the thing is I have no idea how the relationship happened, it pretty much fell into my lap, she actually came out y said, what are we doing, I like you y what is your stance on this whole situation, etc.
Well there is this girl that moved into my ward over the summer y I've had a little crush on her for the longest time, but again I figured that I would do the same thing with her, let us just say I crashed y burned. All I have learned about myself is that I am more evasive with my feelings than I was almost a year ago with Elisa y I missed my opportunity to maybe have something with this new person!!

God loves me

I've always known that I am loved by my Heavenly Father, I mean he has always been there when I've needed him. I guess I've been down lately, I mean I haven't really wanted to do anything with anyone, I get agitated really easy with everyone over dumb things.
Today I just really was being a-social y not planning on doing anything with people, I just wanted to fill sorry for myself (I know I know, that sounds dumb y lame), but as I laid in my car prior to taking a nap, I was contacted by one of my old friends, telling me that she was worried about me y really just wanted to check up on me. In that moment, I knew that I was being watched over y that I needed to get out of my funk, but yeah.
I feel bad, cause another friend of mine was having a down day, but I didn't do anything about it, so yeah, I'm the bad person today y only hope that tomorrow I'll be better at trying to make someone feel good about themselves!!!!

Tay

I am a horrible person. My little brother is coming home from his mission on Friday night y I have decided not to make a big deal about it. I'm not going to cancel any plans that I have when he's home. I mean I am planning on going the the Utah vs BYU game Saturday. I figure that the kid will do what he wants, that is what I wanted when I came back from my mission.
I will always remember this, when I first got back y was released, Tay y I went to visit some old teachers at PHS. I wanted to go visit one teacher while he wanted to visit another. He asked if it was okay for me to be alone, I mean I had just spent 2 years not being alone.
Taylor may hate me for it, but I'm going to make him get used to not having a companion anymore as soon as I can!

Miss Tittle

" You look so happy! Better than I've ever seen you:)". A good friend sent me this little message the other day, when she saw a picture with me y the girl I am dating. Well I just wanted to let y'all know that she is the most amazing person in the whole world.
She always apologizes for not doing enough for me, but she has no idea how she has changed me for the better. After I broke up with Diane, I didn't think that I would find a girl that would make me feel the way she did y that is true, I found someone that has made me feel alive. She makes me feel, like there is someone out there that needs me, to give her emotional support, to make her feel like nothing in the world can hurt her. I'm just doing my best to let her know that I care y that I'm not going anywhere.
The other night I was talking to her y was telling her why I liked her. First off, like most people, she can't handle compliments that well, but she had to move to the other couch, but I know she liked it, she was just embarrassed by it.
I'm happy, super happy. I am going to do what I can to make her life easier while I can. I'm also going to do my best to protect her from anything that might try to cause her harm.

Matthew 6:24

This verse of scripture has started to play out in my life as of lately. To be honest we are always faced with opostion in this world, some more than others y we can always choose to follow the path of the Lord or not to. There is no grey area when it comes to following the Lord's plan that he has laid out for us. That is why it is hard for me, I love someone so much that I want them in my life y have been trying to save the dying relationship over these past few months. I know what the problem is too, the problem is me. I am an actice memeber of the LDS church y this person detests the LDS church y all of their teachings. I am sorry I will not give up my religion, I know that sounds selfish, but I can't because it has shaped me into the man that I am y will help mold me into the man I will be.
This person, who so openingly detests my beliefs, is my father y he is a homosexual. Another thing that I have never told anyone, is that I miss him y wish that I could have a better relationship with him. The only thing is I am not willing to sacrifice what I will have to, to have the father y son relationship.
There has always been a strain on our relationship, due to the fact that I have been so active in the LDS church, that I knew one day it would cease to continue. We had a decent relationship after serving a two year mission for God in Argentina but, like most things, it was all erradicated by Prop 8, which I totally support.
Ever since then, my dad y his partner went through a falling out y he has gone under the radar. We used to text y talk but now it's all silent or if I get an email from him, I can't feel any love, I just feel cold.
Like I mentioned above my father hates the LDS church y I will not stop practicing my faith. That is why Matthew 6:24 comes into action. I have two fathers y I love both of them, but to follow one is not following the other.
I've heard it all from everybody. Miles your Dad is still your dad y it is unChristlike to discriminate others because of what they believe. Well I am not discriminating, I am waiting for him to love me for who I am y to say it. I am sick y tired of always trying, always hoping that he'll wake up y come back to me. Yet I know that the wedge has finally started to work. I can deal with that because I know that my other father will never leave me, no matter what y I will not sacrifce that relationship again to try y please people who don't care!!!!!