Day 2 - A picture of you y the person that you have been together with the longest

This was really easy for me to choose, since I have one little brother who is only 2 years younger than me.

I was 5 when my parents finalized their divorce y Tay was 3. We grew up together. No matter what happened to one of us, it happened to the other one, because it was just the two of us, since my mom had to work to be able to support our little family. Taylor y I ran Cross-country together, we had the same interests, etc.
I learned at a young age that he looked up to me y when I heard him say a “choice” word I pinned him to the wall y told him never to use that launguage again. He looked at me y said, but you say it. After that experience with my brother, I tried my hardest to be a better example to him.

He was married almost 3 months ago y he is so happy. I am so glad that our relationship is transforming into an adult relationship y that he is married. I want the best for my brother y I will do anything to protect him y his family, it’s what I do.

Day 1

Day one is a picture of yourself y 10 facts about you.

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1. I love sports. I didn’t start playing them until I was a freshman in high school. I can tell you that if it wasn’t for cross-country I would have easily gotten into drugs or I would have been a dad at the age of 17 or 18. I learned a lot about working as a team to obtain what you want y as I mentioned, it helped me become the man that I am today.

2. I love to read. Ever since I was a little kid, I have found escape in the pages of books. I would stay up late trying to finish a book, just so that I could start another. When I was in 3^rd grade, the librarian told me that I was reading books to advanced for my age y when I was in 6^th grade, they wouldn’t have any books that I could read.

3. Country music has become something that I cherish. I started listening to it because of a girl, most of the goods things in my life have come around because of a girl, y I fell in love with it. It’s what I listen too, when I am having a hard day y I need to relax a little.

4. I love my family, along with sports, I would not have become the man I am today. My mother, brother y I have been through a lot of trials in our short lives but we’ve always had one another to help each other get through it.

5. I love movies. I love movies that make you think or that have a good moral. I honestly do not like movies, like Scott Pilgrim, that are just dumb or have no redeeming values. One of my favorite movies is called Adam.

6. I have no self confidence when it comes to females. I was engaged once y the girl ended it by telling me that it didn’t feel right. I have no hard feelings towards her, but I never was given a reason, besides that it didn’t feel right. In the end, I wasn’t good enough for her, she is actually getting married in a couple of months y I am excited for her, because she found someone that will make her happy. When I meet a girl, I automatically assume that there is a better guy out there for them, so I don’t try because I don’t think that I can take another rejection by an amazing girl.

7. I love people. I want to be a social worker when I am done with college. I want to help people learn how to help themselves and work through their issues. When I meet someone I truly try my hardest to build a good rapport with them, so that I can get to know them better y hopefully they’ll trust me to allow me to help them. If they don’t know how much you care, they don’t care about how much you know.

8. I am a spiritual person. I consider my religion to be very important to me. I have learned a lot about myself by making mistakes, but also by doing what is necessary to correct those mistakes by the power of the atonement.

9. I loved my cat. He passed away a couple of weeks ago y I miss him. I used to sit there y talk to him about what was going on in my life, because I never felt like I was burdening him, but that he loved my company. We were together for 17 years y we grew close. My mom used to call Momo, my dog. I used to be able to whistle for Momo whenever I was outside, and he would come running to me. In the later years in his life, he used to come to my window at night y meow so that I would let him in to sleep with me, I always let him in y I would wake up around 6-7am to put him outside, so that my mom wouldn’t come down and see him.

10. I love to travel. I have been fortunate to travel to different countries, Argentina, England, Ireland, Mexico y Canada, in my life. I have been exposed to many different life styles, y I have a good concept on how life works outside of my sheltered little community. I love meeting new people as I travel y truly getting to know another culture and how they live life.

Growing up is hard, but harder when people still expect you to be the person you were in high school, 2 years ago or even 6 months ago.

People tell me that I have grown up a lot over the past few months, but my good friends, still act as if I am the irresponsible one, the screw up that can't be serious. I don't like the way, that I feel around them, I hate feeling inferior to anyone. I can't say that about feeling superior, but I only like that feeling when playing sports. I want to be equal to others.

I have grown up a lot. A year ago, if you told me that I would have the best semesters of my life, I wouldn't have believed you. Or that I would have been engaged y then have it called off, again I wouldn't have believed you.

I guess, I hate being around my old friends, because all I see is how I have, yet again, screwed my life up. How I had something awesome in Kate, but again I did something wrong.

I know this, no matter what, I am a better person because of Kate. She helped my focus on what is important in my life.

I realized that I have a lot of complications in my life, I am broken y I have no idea how to fix me. I put a mask on, so that those that know me don't see the pain that I am really in. I don't want to be a burden on others, I just want to be me y happy again.

Reflecting

I've taken a step back this past week to really look at my life y see where I have wandered in this path entitled "Life" y I realized that I didn't like it. I'd allowed myself to become a jerk to others y spiritually I was dead, I hadn't read my scriptures in the longest time y Heaven knows how long it has been since I've attended a temple session.

I feel bad because I was pushing everyone away y I didn't know it, all I knew is that I didn't want anyone around, I wanted to be alone all of the time y didn't care about anything. It wasn't until my Mother came downstairs y asked me what was wrong did I realize that others could really see that I wasn't in a good spot. I decided that day that I had to change my life around or I would continue on my spiral out of control y wake up someone I don't want to be.

On a brighter note, my birthday is Saturday y I dunno what I should do, as in where should I go to celebrate? If I have any readers, which is highly unlikely, I want to leave town to enjoy the start of my 24th year somewhere, but where should I go?

Learning my faults

Like they say everyone differs from the person next to them y I should know this since I am going into a field where I study people y watch them. They also say only a fool will try the same thing twice after it failed the first time.
So the last girl I dated was an amazing person, I mean AMAZING. the thing is I have no idea how the relationship happened, it pretty much fell into my lap, she actually came out y said, what are we doing, I like you y what is your stance on this whole situation, etc.
Well there is this girl that moved into my ward over the summer y I've had a little crush on her for the longest time, but again I figured that I would do the same thing with her, let us just say I crashed y burned. All I have learned about myself is that I am more evasive with my feelings than I was almost a year ago with Elisa y I missed my opportunity to maybe have something with this new person!!

God loves me

I've always known that I am loved by my Heavenly Father, I mean he has always been there when I've needed him. I guess I've been down lately, I mean I haven't really wanted to do anything with anyone, I get agitated really easy with everyone over dumb things.
Today I just really was being a-social y not planning on doing anything with people, I just wanted to fill sorry for myself (I know I know, that sounds dumb y lame), but as I laid in my car prior to taking a nap, I was contacted by one of my old friends, telling me that she was worried about me y really just wanted to check up on me. In that moment, I knew that I was being watched over y that I needed to get out of my funk, but yeah.
I feel bad, cause another friend of mine was having a down day, but I didn't do anything about it, so yeah, I'm the bad person today y only hope that tomorrow I'll be better at trying to make someone feel good about themselves!!!!

Tay

I am a horrible person. My little brother is coming home from his mission on Friday night y I have decided not to make a big deal about it. I'm not going to cancel any plans that I have when he's home. I mean I am planning on going the the Utah vs BYU game Saturday. I figure that the kid will do what he wants, that is what I wanted when I came back from my mission.
I will always remember this, when I first got back y was released, Tay y I went to visit some old teachers at PHS. I wanted to go visit one teacher while he wanted to visit another. He asked if it was okay for me to be alone, I mean I had just spent 2 years not being alone.
Taylor may hate me for it, but I'm going to make him get used to not having a companion anymore as soon as I can!

Miss Tittle

" You look so happy! Better than I've ever seen you:)". A good friend sent me this little message the other day, when she saw a picture with me y the girl I am dating. Well I just wanted to let y'all know that she is the most amazing person in the whole world.
She always apologizes for not doing enough for me, but she has no idea how she has changed me for the better. After I broke up with Diane, I didn't think that I would find a girl that would make me feel the way she did y that is true, I found someone that has made me feel alive. She makes me feel, like there is someone out there that needs me, to give her emotional support, to make her feel like nothing in the world can hurt her. I'm just doing my best to let her know that I care y that I'm not going anywhere.
The other night I was talking to her y was telling her why I liked her. First off, like most people, she can't handle compliments that well, but she had to move to the other couch, but I know she liked it, she was just embarrassed by it.
I'm happy, super happy. I am going to do what I can to make her life easier while I can. I'm also going to do my best to protect her from anything that might try to cause her harm.

Matthew 6:24

This verse of scripture has started to play out in my life as of lately. To be honest we are always faced with opostion in this world, some more than others y we can always choose to follow the path of the Lord or not to. There is no grey area when it comes to following the Lord's plan that he has laid out for us. That is why it is hard for me, I love someone so much that I want them in my life y have been trying to save the dying relationship over these past few months. I know what the problem is too, the problem is me. I am an actice memeber of the LDS church y this person detests the LDS church y all of their teachings. I am sorry I will not give up my religion, I know that sounds selfish, but I can't because it has shaped me into the man that I am y will help mold me into the man I will be.
This person, who so openingly detests my beliefs, is my father y he is a homosexual. Another thing that I have never told anyone, is that I miss him y wish that I could have a better relationship with him. The only thing is I am not willing to sacrifice what I will have to, to have the father y son relationship.
There has always been a strain on our relationship, due to the fact that I have been so active in the LDS church, that I knew one day it would cease to continue. We had a decent relationship after serving a two year mission for God in Argentina but, like most things, it was all erradicated by Prop 8, which I totally support.
Ever since then, my dad y his partner went through a falling out y he has gone under the radar. We used to text y talk but now it's all silent or if I get an email from him, I can't feel any love, I just feel cold.
Like I mentioned above my father hates the LDS church y I will not stop practicing my faith. That is why Matthew 6:24 comes into action. I have two fathers y I love both of them, but to follow one is not following the other.
I've heard it all from everybody. Miles your Dad is still your dad y it is unChristlike to discriminate others because of what they believe. Well I am not discriminating, I am waiting for him to love me for who I am y to say it. I am sick y tired of always trying, always hoping that he'll wake up y come back to me. Yet I know that the wedge has finally started to work. I can deal with that because I know that my other father will never leave me, no matter what y I will not sacrifce that relationship again to try y please people who don't care!!!!!

Happy

Well first off, I am super happy. I haven't been this happy in a long time. Second I feel bad for how I became this happy. Here is the story;
I was a carni this past summer trying to forget a lot of things that had happened to me. Well I came home two weeks before I was supposed to come home, I have no idea why I came home early what-so-ever, but yeah. My first week home, Zac, Kenny y I went to 7 peaks with a bunch of college kids. Kenny introduced me to hs coworker, Jen. Jen was really cute, that was my first impression of her, but Kenny told me that I had no chance, but I tried anyways. I figured that it was better just to be friends. Over the past semester, we hung out a few times, but as the semester progressed so did our hanging out. I started to get the feeling that I should try to date her, but alas I never did, because rigth before Christmas break another friend told me that he was interested in her. So I decided to back off y give him a chance.
Over the break she would want to talk, so we talked every now y then. Last Sunday I falt out asked her if she had feelings for my friend y all she told me is that she couldn't see herself being more than just friends with him. I then asked if she saw him the way she say me y another friend. Jen then told me that she actually saw us working out y actually dating. Well I had feeings for her, so I decided to actually give it a try. I talked to my friend that liked her y he said he was okay with the ordeal. I felt bad for doing so, but I couldn't do anything.
All I have to say is, this past week has been a blast. We've hung out about everyday y yeah. No I have not kissed her y don't see myself doing so for a while. I feel like I am on cloud nine when ever we hang out though. Do I just give my heart away to easily or yeah. Anyways, yeah. I'll keep the bloggers updated!

I'm sorry

EPH!!! I cannot believe how depressing this blog is! I am sorry that y'all have had to read this, well the only person that reads this, Zac, ha. I've been thinking, self pity sucks, so why write about it? Well I shall try to write more about my life, minus the depressing things!

Secret Santa

If any of you know my family situation, then you know that my mother hasn't had a job for the past 18 months, give or take. I am glad this happened now, that I am older y not when I was younger. I can see that my mom wants to be the best mother that she can be, I just cannot imagine someone having to tell their kids that they would be forgoing Christmas, only because they didn't have the funds for it. That leads me into the real reason for this post. My family was again blessed by a Secret Santa, like we were last year.
I can honestly say the past two Christmases I've spent here at home, I've been deeply touched by the spirit of Christ. Opening the presents I was overwhelmed with gratitude. To have people that care so much, to go out of their way, to bring a little joy into the lives of others, it's amazing. I honestly wish I was as thoughtful y caring as this family that cared for my family today is. I can also say, I have a good idea who it was y I don't know how to repay them. I learned a lot this Christmas, I learned that Santa is real y that he does look out for those who are good.

Lost

Shortly after Thanksgiving, my father y his lover split up. This isn't the first time that I've had to deal with my dad losing a lover, but this time it's different. I've never seen him so depressed. I mean he has stopped responding to my emails y my texts. His own family is worried about him but yeah.
I was talking to my mom today y we talked about, what would happen if he did off himself within the next few months? I mean it's scary how depressed he is. I just don't know what to do for him. We have a thing called religion that stops us from having a true relationship. I mean I try y always will try, but he cannot get over the fact that I will not stop going to the LDS faith. He hates it so much, he told me little brother on a mission, not to call him this year for Christmas.
My biggest streangh is also my biggest flaw, I care to much about others. I would honestly be a wreck if my dad did decide to end his life, I would have no idea how to handle it. I mean I wouldn't be mad at him, I would ache, only because I know that he is not y will never be ready to leave this world. I love my Dad for what he has taught me.
I learned passion from him. Those who have read his emails from the prop 8 deal will understand his passion, mine is completle different, but I know how to be passionate. I also ahve learned to stand up for what I believe, no matter what it is. Yes he stands up for Gay rights y I support the LDS church. Both of those things are important to us in our own way.
Again I love my dad y even if he hasn't been around much while I have grown up, I would be completely lost if he did steal the chance I have to build a relationship with him. A relationship that he has never had with his own father.
I'll be Lost.

Two words will destroy you

So to really understand the back story to this post you, most likely, will need to understand this story y this story. Well after I left my friends apartment that night, I sat there in the car thinking, why didn't I try as hard as he ex did to get back together with her y it worked. I just sat there y the words, "if only" swept across my mind, then so did a quote I had heard on Tuesday in institute. The quote is from this talk by President Monson.
"There is one phrase which should be erased from your thinking and from the words you speak aloud. It is the phrase, 'If only.' It is counterproductive and is not conducive to the spirit of healing and of peace. Rather, recall the words of Proverbs: 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
I really want to thank The Lord for knowing what exactly I would need to hear in that moment, if I hadn't gone to institute I never would have heard the quote y I would still be, mentally, beating myself up for what I lost over a year ago.
To all those that are in need of comfort, first stop destroying yourself with the words "What if" y take Elder Wirthlin's Mother's advice from his last talk in General Conference, "Come what may y Love it."
The Lord loves us y will never forsake us in our time of need. He will always be close at hand, ready to jump in, if ever needed but we are the ones that turn our backs on him. If we try our hardest to look at the small things, y give thanks for them, He does for us daily, how better off would we be?

Yet again, the cruse strikes

So my friends y I were planning a big group date for Saturday, well not big but a lot of fun. We get together y go to Maceys. While at Macey's we draw either Main course, side dish, etc y then go buy the items needed to make food for everyone.
Well I had a girl in mind that I was going to ask out, I mean we've talked y have gone out before y like I mentioned we've talked a lot. Well we talked a lot about her ex y how she was going to get over him y yeah, I feel back into my old habits of being the good friend y nothing more coming into play.
She asked me a good question,
"Why can we (her y her ex) not just date for fun y worry about it going anywhere?"
I almost laughed, cause it brought back the the exact same thing that Diane y I talked about, back in the day when we were breaking up. She wanted to keep dating but date other people at the same time, but decided that it wasn't fair to do that. I was going to tell her that, but it was like trying to talk to a die hard cathlolic in Argentina about the LDS church, their mind is already made up y it doesn't matter what you tell them. I just told her that the only way she would know if she should really be back together with her ex, is to pray about it y be willing to accept the answer that the Lord has for you y do it.
I had to tell her to listen to the spirit because her roomate was preaching to other guys, earlier that night in the apartment, that if you and your insignificant other are living righteously y you pray to see if you should marry the person, the Lord will never say, no you aren't supposed to marry him. He might say it's not the time or most likely will say yes. That is a post for another day, because I don't believe that what so ever.
I have the friend curse y the worst part about it, I wouldn't have it any other way. It may drive me insane, but people need someone to listen to them no matter what y if they ever need me to listen, I'm here for you!

Friends vs Friends

While in a town named Emmett, ID for a week this summer, I was a carni there, I talked to a cowboy from Texas. This cowboy would go from fair to fair, with his wife, selling signs painted, yeah they were country signs, but I fell in love with one in particular. I had to buy the sign y now it sits in my room y every day I read;

"A good friend is someone that will come y bail you out of jail, while a great friend is the person sitting right next to you saying, Damn that was fun....".

A bunch of us have many friends in our lives, but it's those great friends that make life worth it. The ones, that no matter what, will never judge you on the things you have done in your life, they will always tell you how it is, no matter if it makes you mad or not. They do this because they love you y want you to see what you cannot see.
A great friend is the closest you can be to being family y not being family, it's blessing to have so many people like that in your life.
I can say that my old teammates y I are great friends. There isn't anything that hasn't happened that we are afraid to share one with another.
I just want to thank the Lord for placing these guys in my life because if it wasn't for them, then I have no idea where I would be in my life at the moment. I don't want to know either.

Yet again

I always end up in the wrong place at the exact wrong time. I've been hanging out with a female named Cassey, as of lately. I met her playing frisbee with some friends of mine y we've talked a lot since then.
As of recently I found out that she had been engaged before, so I am bold or dumb (however you look at it), to inquire more about that. What shocked me more was how she explained why she broke off her engagement, it reminded me of my own history with someone I cared about y why we really ended it.
Well Cass told me that she was still trying to get over her exfiancee, whom will be dubbed Tee. I mean her y Tee met before his mish at the "Y" y dated then y after he returned. They have all of the same friends, so they still see each other all of the time y it's hard on her.
Last night I was over at her place when Tee came over, sat down right by her y put his head on her shoulder and then started to cuddle with her. She just went back into her old habbit y started to go along with it.
At first, I was a little jealous, I will not lie until I saw the look Cass gave me, it was a look of confussion, pity, love, pain y anger. It made me so grateful that when D y I called it off that we stopped talking for a little while cause I don't know if we would have been strong enough to not cuddle when we say eachother or fall back into any of our old habbits.
Cass is scared of completely letting go of Tee, she hasn't mentioned that but you can tell. This come over, cuddle whenever is tearing her up inside more than it is helping her. I mean if Tee knew she wouldn't cuddle with him, then I doubt he would come over as much as he does.
Now she's looking for someone to turn to y it happens to be me. I need to stride carefully, cause I am friends with Tee y a lot of his other friends to. We shall see how I can truly help her in the end!

Love

We talked about a text that Elder Costas recieved, he mentioned it in this address to the church. The Text was based on a poem by Norma Marek. It reads,

If I knew this would be the last time I would watch you sleep,I would hug you tighter. I would plead with the Lord to protect you.If I knew this would be the last time I saw you walk out the door,I would hug and kiss you and call you back to hug and kiss you one more time.
If I knew this would be the last time I would hear your voice in prayer,I would record every gesture, every look, every smile, every one of your words,So that I could listen to it later, day after day.
If I knew this would be the last time, I would spend an extra minute or two to tell you, "I love you," instead of assuming you already knew it.
If I knew this would be our last time, our last moment, I would be by your side, spending the day with you instead of thinking,"Well, I'm sure other opportunities will come, so I can let this day go by."
Of course there will be a day to revise things,And we would have a second chance to do things right.Oh, of course there will be another day for us to say, "I love you."And certainly there will be another chance to tell each other, "Can I help with anything?"But in my case, there isn't one!I don't have you here with me, and today is the last day we have—our farewell.Therefore I would like to say how much I love you,And I hope you never forget it.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old.Today might be your last chance to hold tight to the hand of the one you love and show all you feel.
If you are waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?Because if tomorrow never comes, you certainly will regret for the rest of your life
Not having spent some extra time for a smile, a conversation, a hug, a kiss,Because you were too busy to give that person what ended up being their last wish.
Then hug tight today the one you love, your friends, your family, and whisper in their ears how much you love them and want them close to you.Use your time to say,"I'm sorry,""Please,""Forgive me,""Thank you,"Or even,"That was nothing,""It's all right,"
Because if tomorrow never comes, you will not have to regret today.The past doesn't come back, and the future might not come.

To all of those that have words left unsaid to loved ones, please utter them, it is the only true way of letting them know that you care. You may do things for them, but there is something special in saying those three words to others, I Love You.
I've made it a personal goal to try y atleast let my mother know that I love her, whenever I leave the house. Doing so, I feel uplifted everytime I get into my car, knowing I will not be home until the sun goes down.
Some may say, it's impossible to show or express my love to others, all I have to say is suck it up y learn how to do so!

Line for Line

Well Prop 8 passed. I am glad that it passed, I mean yeah. Well I have received three different emails from my dad, he sent them to the whole family, consiquencely my brother y I are the only active ones in the church, he mentioned how he wouldn't be supporting, financially y emotionally, any person that didn't denounce the LDS church. He also mentioned that he was not going to welcome any active LDS person into his home y would have to rethink his long term relationships with the LDS people he had in his life at the moment.
Am I surprised, no. I knew it would happen y yeah. It looks like my wild adventures with him y his family has finally come to an end. I know that my Dad won't forsake me yet, but within the near future, most likely after Thanksgiving, I will no longer be accepted as his son, because I won't speak out against the LDS church y support the GLBT's. Don't y'all love family drama?

Superficial?

Can a relationship be based on a superficial love? I was raised to love God y his gospel. I am a faithful member of the LDS church, but my father despises that church y lets me know it, about every time I see him.
I received an email from him last night, letting me know that he will not let politics y religion get in-between our relationship. I know that as the years come y go, religion will become a a huge factor in our relationship.
We also talked on the phone today y he mentioned how much he hated mormons, because of Prop 8 in California. Knowing that our relationship depends on how the election turns out, I look forward to Wed morning, waiting the wrath or the love that will come from my father.