Growing up is hard, but harder when people still expect you to be the person you were in high school, 2 years ago or even 6 months ago.

People tell me that I have grown up a lot over the past few months, but my good friends, still act as if I am the irresponsible one, the screw up that can't be serious. I don't like the way, that I feel around them, I hate feeling inferior to anyone. I can't say that about feeling superior, but I only like that feeling when playing sports. I want to be equal to others.

I have grown up a lot. A year ago, if you told me that I would have the best semesters of my life, I wouldn't have believed you. Or that I would have been engaged y then have it called off, again I wouldn't have believed you.

I guess, I hate being around my old friends, because all I see is how I have, yet again, screwed my life up. How I had something awesome in Kate, but again I did something wrong.

I know this, no matter what, I am a better person because of Kate. She helped my focus on what is important in my life.

I realized that I have a lot of complications in my life, I am broken y I have no idea how to fix me. I put a mask on, so that those that know me don't see the pain that I am really in. I don't want to be a burden on others, I just want to be me y happy again.

Reflecting

I've taken a step back this past week to really look at my life y see where I have wandered in this path entitled "Life" y I realized that I didn't like it. I'd allowed myself to become a jerk to others y spiritually I was dead, I hadn't read my scriptures in the longest time y Heaven knows how long it has been since I've attended a temple session.

I feel bad because I was pushing everyone away y I didn't know it, all I knew is that I didn't want anyone around, I wanted to be alone all of the time y didn't care about anything. It wasn't until my Mother came downstairs y asked me what was wrong did I realize that others could really see that I wasn't in a good spot. I decided that day that I had to change my life around or I would continue on my spiral out of control y wake up someone I don't want to be.

On a brighter note, my birthday is Saturday y I dunno what I should do, as in where should I go to celebrate? If I have any readers, which is highly unlikely, I want to leave town to enjoy the start of my 24th year somewhere, but where should I go?