I'm sorry

EPH!!! I cannot believe how depressing this blog is! I am sorry that y'all have had to read this, well the only person that reads this, Zac, ha. I've been thinking, self pity sucks, so why write about it? Well I shall try to write more about my life, minus the depressing things!

Secret Santa

If any of you know my family situation, then you know that my mother hasn't had a job for the past 18 months, give or take. I am glad this happened now, that I am older y not when I was younger. I can see that my mom wants to be the best mother that she can be, I just cannot imagine someone having to tell their kids that they would be forgoing Christmas, only because they didn't have the funds for it. That leads me into the real reason for this post. My family was again blessed by a Secret Santa, like we were last year.
I can honestly say the past two Christmases I've spent here at home, I've been deeply touched by the spirit of Christ. Opening the presents I was overwhelmed with gratitude. To have people that care so much, to go out of their way, to bring a little joy into the lives of others, it's amazing. I honestly wish I was as thoughtful y caring as this family that cared for my family today is. I can also say, I have a good idea who it was y I don't know how to repay them. I learned a lot this Christmas, I learned that Santa is real y that he does look out for those who are good.

Lost

Shortly after Thanksgiving, my father y his lover split up. This isn't the first time that I've had to deal with my dad losing a lover, but this time it's different. I've never seen him so depressed. I mean he has stopped responding to my emails y my texts. His own family is worried about him but yeah.
I was talking to my mom today y we talked about, what would happen if he did off himself within the next few months? I mean it's scary how depressed he is. I just don't know what to do for him. We have a thing called religion that stops us from having a true relationship. I mean I try y always will try, but he cannot get over the fact that I will not stop going to the LDS faith. He hates it so much, he told me little brother on a mission, not to call him this year for Christmas.
My biggest streangh is also my biggest flaw, I care to much about others. I would honestly be a wreck if my dad did decide to end his life, I would have no idea how to handle it. I mean I wouldn't be mad at him, I would ache, only because I know that he is not y will never be ready to leave this world. I love my Dad for what he has taught me.
I learned passion from him. Those who have read his emails from the prop 8 deal will understand his passion, mine is completle different, but I know how to be passionate. I also ahve learned to stand up for what I believe, no matter what it is. Yes he stands up for Gay rights y I support the LDS church. Both of those things are important to us in our own way.
Again I love my dad y even if he hasn't been around much while I have grown up, I would be completely lost if he did steal the chance I have to build a relationship with him. A relationship that he has never had with his own father.
I'll be Lost.

Two words will destroy you

So to really understand the back story to this post you, most likely, will need to understand this story y this story. Well after I left my friends apartment that night, I sat there in the car thinking, why didn't I try as hard as he ex did to get back together with her y it worked. I just sat there y the words, "if only" swept across my mind, then so did a quote I had heard on Tuesday in institute. The quote is from this talk by President Monson.
"There is one phrase which should be erased from your thinking and from the words you speak aloud. It is the phrase, 'If only.' It is counterproductive and is not conducive to the spirit of healing and of peace. Rather, recall the words of Proverbs: 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
I really want to thank The Lord for knowing what exactly I would need to hear in that moment, if I hadn't gone to institute I never would have heard the quote y I would still be, mentally, beating myself up for what I lost over a year ago.
To all those that are in need of comfort, first stop destroying yourself with the words "What if" y take Elder Wirthlin's Mother's advice from his last talk in General Conference, "Come what may y Love it."
The Lord loves us y will never forsake us in our time of need. He will always be close at hand, ready to jump in, if ever needed but we are the ones that turn our backs on him. If we try our hardest to look at the small things, y give thanks for them, He does for us daily, how better off would we be?

Yet again, the cruse strikes

So my friends y I were planning a big group date for Saturday, well not big but a lot of fun. We get together y go to Maceys. While at Macey's we draw either Main course, side dish, etc y then go buy the items needed to make food for everyone.
Well I had a girl in mind that I was going to ask out, I mean we've talked y have gone out before y like I mentioned we've talked a lot. Well we talked a lot about her ex y how she was going to get over him y yeah, I feel back into my old habits of being the good friend y nothing more coming into play.
She asked me a good question,
"Why can we (her y her ex) not just date for fun y worry about it going anywhere?"
I almost laughed, cause it brought back the the exact same thing that Diane y I talked about, back in the day when we were breaking up. She wanted to keep dating but date other people at the same time, but decided that it wasn't fair to do that. I was going to tell her that, but it was like trying to talk to a die hard cathlolic in Argentina about the LDS church, their mind is already made up y it doesn't matter what you tell them. I just told her that the only way she would know if she should really be back together with her ex, is to pray about it y be willing to accept the answer that the Lord has for you y do it.
I had to tell her to listen to the spirit because her roomate was preaching to other guys, earlier that night in the apartment, that if you and your insignificant other are living righteously y you pray to see if you should marry the person, the Lord will never say, no you aren't supposed to marry him. He might say it's not the time or most likely will say yes. That is a post for another day, because I don't believe that what so ever.
I have the friend curse y the worst part about it, I wouldn't have it any other way. It may drive me insane, but people need someone to listen to them no matter what y if they ever need me to listen, I'm here for you!