I'm sorry

EPH!!! I cannot believe how depressing this blog is! I am sorry that y'all have had to read this, well the only person that reads this, Zac, ha. I've been thinking, self pity sucks, so why write about it? Well I shall try to write more about my life, minus the depressing things!

Secret Santa

If any of you know my family situation, then you know that my mother hasn't had a job for the past 18 months, give or take. I am glad this happened now, that I am older y not when I was younger. I can see that my mom wants to be the best mother that she can be, I just cannot imagine someone having to tell their kids that they would be forgoing Christmas, only because they didn't have the funds for it. That leads me into the real reason for this post. My family was again blessed by a Secret Santa, like we were last year.
I can honestly say the past two Christmases I've spent here at home, I've been deeply touched by the spirit of Christ. Opening the presents I was overwhelmed with gratitude. To have people that care so much, to go out of their way, to bring a little joy into the lives of others, it's amazing. I honestly wish I was as thoughtful y caring as this family that cared for my family today is. I can also say, I have a good idea who it was y I don't know how to repay them. I learned a lot this Christmas, I learned that Santa is real y that he does look out for those who are good.

Lost

Shortly after Thanksgiving, my father y his lover split up. This isn't the first time that I've had to deal with my dad losing a lover, but this time it's different. I've never seen him so depressed. I mean he has stopped responding to my emails y my texts. His own family is worried about him but yeah.
I was talking to my mom today y we talked about, what would happen if he did off himself within the next few months? I mean it's scary how depressed he is. I just don't know what to do for him. We have a thing called religion that stops us from having a true relationship. I mean I try y always will try, but he cannot get over the fact that I will not stop going to the LDS faith. He hates it so much, he told me little brother on a mission, not to call him this year for Christmas.
My biggest streangh is also my biggest flaw, I care to much about others. I would honestly be a wreck if my dad did decide to end his life, I would have no idea how to handle it. I mean I wouldn't be mad at him, I would ache, only because I know that he is not y will never be ready to leave this world. I love my Dad for what he has taught me.
I learned passion from him. Those who have read his emails from the prop 8 deal will understand his passion, mine is completle different, but I know how to be passionate. I also ahve learned to stand up for what I believe, no matter what it is. Yes he stands up for Gay rights y I support the LDS church. Both of those things are important to us in our own way.
Again I love my dad y even if he hasn't been around much while I have grown up, I would be completely lost if he did steal the chance I have to build a relationship with him. A relationship that he has never had with his own father.
I'll be Lost.

Two words will destroy you

So to really understand the back story to this post you, most likely, will need to understand this story y this story. Well after I left my friends apartment that night, I sat there in the car thinking, why didn't I try as hard as he ex did to get back together with her y it worked. I just sat there y the words, "if only" swept across my mind, then so did a quote I had heard on Tuesday in institute. The quote is from this talk by President Monson.
"There is one phrase which should be erased from your thinking and from the words you speak aloud. It is the phrase, 'If only.' It is counterproductive and is not conducive to the spirit of healing and of peace. Rather, recall the words of Proverbs: 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
I really want to thank The Lord for knowing what exactly I would need to hear in that moment, if I hadn't gone to institute I never would have heard the quote y I would still be, mentally, beating myself up for what I lost over a year ago.
To all those that are in need of comfort, first stop destroying yourself with the words "What if" y take Elder Wirthlin's Mother's advice from his last talk in General Conference, "Come what may y Love it."
The Lord loves us y will never forsake us in our time of need. He will always be close at hand, ready to jump in, if ever needed but we are the ones that turn our backs on him. If we try our hardest to look at the small things, y give thanks for them, He does for us daily, how better off would we be?

Yet again, the cruse strikes

So my friends y I were planning a big group date for Saturday, well not big but a lot of fun. We get together y go to Maceys. While at Macey's we draw either Main course, side dish, etc y then go buy the items needed to make food for everyone.
Well I had a girl in mind that I was going to ask out, I mean we've talked y have gone out before y like I mentioned we've talked a lot. Well we talked a lot about her ex y how she was going to get over him y yeah, I feel back into my old habits of being the good friend y nothing more coming into play.
She asked me a good question,
"Why can we (her y her ex) not just date for fun y worry about it going anywhere?"
I almost laughed, cause it brought back the the exact same thing that Diane y I talked about, back in the day when we were breaking up. She wanted to keep dating but date other people at the same time, but decided that it wasn't fair to do that. I was going to tell her that, but it was like trying to talk to a die hard cathlolic in Argentina about the LDS church, their mind is already made up y it doesn't matter what you tell them. I just told her that the only way she would know if she should really be back together with her ex, is to pray about it y be willing to accept the answer that the Lord has for you y do it.
I had to tell her to listen to the spirit because her roomate was preaching to other guys, earlier that night in the apartment, that if you and your insignificant other are living righteously y you pray to see if you should marry the person, the Lord will never say, no you aren't supposed to marry him. He might say it's not the time or most likely will say yes. That is a post for another day, because I don't believe that what so ever.
I have the friend curse y the worst part about it, I wouldn't have it any other way. It may drive me insane, but people need someone to listen to them no matter what y if they ever need me to listen, I'm here for you!

Friends vs Friends

While in a town named Emmett, ID for a week this summer, I was a carni there, I talked to a cowboy from Texas. This cowboy would go from fair to fair, with his wife, selling signs painted, yeah they were country signs, but I fell in love with one in particular. I had to buy the sign y now it sits in my room y every day I read;

"A good friend is someone that will come y bail you out of jail, while a great friend is the person sitting right next to you saying, Damn that was fun....".

A bunch of us have many friends in our lives, but it's those great friends that make life worth it. The ones, that no matter what, will never judge you on the things you have done in your life, they will always tell you how it is, no matter if it makes you mad or not. They do this because they love you y want you to see what you cannot see.
A great friend is the closest you can be to being family y not being family, it's blessing to have so many people like that in your life.
I can say that my old teammates y I are great friends. There isn't anything that hasn't happened that we are afraid to share one with another.
I just want to thank the Lord for placing these guys in my life because if it wasn't for them, then I have no idea where I would be in my life at the moment. I don't want to know either.

Yet again

I always end up in the wrong place at the exact wrong time. I've been hanging out with a female named Cassey, as of lately. I met her playing frisbee with some friends of mine y we've talked a lot since then.
As of recently I found out that she had been engaged before, so I am bold or dumb (however you look at it), to inquire more about that. What shocked me more was how she explained why she broke off her engagement, it reminded me of my own history with someone I cared about y why we really ended it.
Well Cass told me that she was still trying to get over her exfiancee, whom will be dubbed Tee. I mean her y Tee met before his mish at the "Y" y dated then y after he returned. They have all of the same friends, so they still see each other all of the time y it's hard on her.
Last night I was over at her place when Tee came over, sat down right by her y put his head on her shoulder and then started to cuddle with her. She just went back into her old habbit y started to go along with it.
At first, I was a little jealous, I will not lie until I saw the look Cass gave me, it was a look of confussion, pity, love, pain y anger. It made me so grateful that when D y I called it off that we stopped talking for a little while cause I don't know if we would have been strong enough to not cuddle when we say eachother or fall back into any of our old habbits.
Cass is scared of completely letting go of Tee, she hasn't mentioned that but you can tell. This come over, cuddle whenever is tearing her up inside more than it is helping her. I mean if Tee knew she wouldn't cuddle with him, then I doubt he would come over as much as he does.
Now she's looking for someone to turn to y it happens to be me. I need to stride carefully, cause I am friends with Tee y a lot of his other friends to. We shall see how I can truly help her in the end!

Love

We talked about a text that Elder Costas recieved, he mentioned it in this address to the church. The Text was based on a poem by Norma Marek. It reads,

If I knew this would be the last time I would watch you sleep,I would hug you tighter. I would plead with the Lord to protect you.If I knew this would be the last time I saw you walk out the door,I would hug and kiss you and call you back to hug and kiss you one more time.
If I knew this would be the last time I would hear your voice in prayer,I would record every gesture, every look, every smile, every one of your words,So that I could listen to it later, day after day.
If I knew this would be the last time, I would spend an extra minute or two to tell you, "I love you," instead of assuming you already knew it.
If I knew this would be our last time, our last moment, I would be by your side, spending the day with you instead of thinking,"Well, I'm sure other opportunities will come, so I can let this day go by."
Of course there will be a day to revise things,And we would have a second chance to do things right.Oh, of course there will be another day for us to say, "I love you."And certainly there will be another chance to tell each other, "Can I help with anything?"But in my case, there isn't one!I don't have you here with me, and today is the last day we have—our farewell.Therefore I would like to say how much I love you,And I hope you never forget it.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old.Today might be your last chance to hold tight to the hand of the one you love and show all you feel.
If you are waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?Because if tomorrow never comes, you certainly will regret for the rest of your life
Not having spent some extra time for a smile, a conversation, a hug, a kiss,Because you were too busy to give that person what ended up being their last wish.
Then hug tight today the one you love, your friends, your family, and whisper in their ears how much you love them and want them close to you.Use your time to say,"I'm sorry,""Please,""Forgive me,""Thank you,"Or even,"That was nothing,""It's all right,"
Because if tomorrow never comes, you will not have to regret today.The past doesn't come back, and the future might not come.

To all of those that have words left unsaid to loved ones, please utter them, it is the only true way of letting them know that you care. You may do things for them, but there is something special in saying those three words to others, I Love You.
I've made it a personal goal to try y atleast let my mother know that I love her, whenever I leave the house. Doing so, I feel uplifted everytime I get into my car, knowing I will not be home until the sun goes down.
Some may say, it's impossible to show or express my love to others, all I have to say is suck it up y learn how to do so!

Line for Line

Well Prop 8 passed. I am glad that it passed, I mean yeah. Well I have received three different emails from my dad, he sent them to the whole family, consiquencely my brother y I are the only active ones in the church, he mentioned how he wouldn't be supporting, financially y emotionally, any person that didn't denounce the LDS church. He also mentioned that he was not going to welcome any active LDS person into his home y would have to rethink his long term relationships with the LDS people he had in his life at the moment.
Am I surprised, no. I knew it would happen y yeah. It looks like my wild adventures with him y his family has finally come to an end. I know that my Dad won't forsake me yet, but within the near future, most likely after Thanksgiving, I will no longer be accepted as his son, because I won't speak out against the LDS church y support the GLBT's. Don't y'all love family drama?

Superficial?

Can a relationship be based on a superficial love? I was raised to love God y his gospel. I am a faithful member of the LDS church, but my father despises that church y lets me know it, about every time I see him.
I received an email from him last night, letting me know that he will not let politics y religion get in-between our relationship. I know that as the years come y go, religion will become a a huge factor in our relationship.
We also talked on the phone today y he mentioned how much he hated mormons, because of Prop 8 in California. Knowing that our relationship depends on how the election turns out, I look forward to Wed morning, waiting the wrath or the love that will come from my father.

Would I?

Would I have the courage to stand up for those in need, if I was forced into that situation? I just finished watching the movie, "Hotel Rwanda". AMAZING.
This is a true story of the Rwandan genicide that happens in the 90's or the movie is also know as the African Shindler's List.
In both situations, there was ONE, yes ONE, person that did everything in his power to help those in need.
The one thing in Hotel Rwanda, I could not tell the difference between the 2 races that were in the movie. I know that they could, but why, why do people hate each other so much to kill one another?
Why didn't the Americans or ANYBODY step in y help? I just don't understand how anyone can sit around y just allow something like that to happen.
We were asked to make a list of people who we though would go into the all time hall-of-fame after we are all dead y I would put Oscar Schindler y Paul Rusesabagina on my list. They did so much to save the lives of those they cared about, they are Christ like in my eyes. No they were not members of the Church y did not share our morals, but they are people I would strive to be like.
They didn't want the power or responsibility that was thrust into their lap, but they took upon themselves that burden y did wonders with it.
If we were more like those two men, along with a long list of others, Prophet Joseph Smith to name one, that stood for what they believed to be right, so many problems in this world would be solved!

A lost cause

Something just clicked
We spent hours with one another
dreading our time apart
Thinking I had found true love
Only to have it ripped out
From under me

Slowly slipping
Into the great unkown
What is the pain I feel
Losing all desire for anything

Tears come without warning
Searching for what I had
Coming up empty at every turn

Letting bitterness take control
Trying to mask the pain
Not letting anyone near

Running from it all
The only way to survive
Knowing that
I'll never be able to out run the pain
but not wanting to truly embrace it

I am a man in Limbo
A lost cause

Man is an island

John Donne wrote:
"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
It is obvious that Mr. Donne had never stepped onto the campus of any high school or college, since he passed away in 1631. Now a days, man is an island. I walk down the hall at Utah Valley y on occasion, I meander through the campus at BYU. I am amazed how many people I see walking with each other, but not with each other because they both are listening to their own music coming from their own ipod.
The other day, I decided to follow suit and try to be like the normal college student, young American and listen to my ipod while walking to my class. I lasted a whole 15-30 seconds before I had to take the ear phones out y turn the music off. I love listening to my music, but I cannot help but wonder if Ipods are isolating others from enjoying each others company.
To be it is a sign of selfishness. You are sending a message out to the world, stating that no one else matters but you y your music. I feel like the sounds nature y everyday life could disappear, just like elevator music, y no one would notice, since they are all stuck in their own world.




Now ipods are not a bad invention, I mean I enjoy mine, when I am home alone trying to relax after a taxing day or when I have to more the acre lot in front of my house, but other than that, I'd rather talk to with others during the day.
My friend y I were running one night y passed two girls running together, but each girl had their ipod, so they really couldn't enjoy the run together or talk. Reagan y I were dumbfounded on what we saw.
So please unplug those headphones y enjoy life. Listen to the sounds of nature, meet someone new in between classes. It will only help you become a better person y might help you expand your personal bubble.

Burning Bridges

Well my good friend Si (CY) y I, spent a little over 90 min talking to our institute teachers on Friday. First we talked to his about what we can y cannot speak about, about the temple in helping others prepare to enter. It was an interesting conversation to be apart of, while with Sister Hepworth we ended up talking about what guys do wrong when it comes to first dates y dating in general. The one thing that stuck out to me is, when we are no longer dating, we burn the bridges down.
I do not know one person that has not burned, at least one, bridge down in their life. I know that I have had my fair share y at times wish I could go back y rebuild those. She also mentioned that she can still sit down with her old boyfriends y be friends with them. I can do that with all of the girls I have dated but three. The girls are not in a particular order either.

The first one I wasn't the one that burnt the bridge, she shot me a text telling me that I was uninvited to her wedding y reception. I see her all of the time at school y it's awkward, but I still laugh at it.

The second is a girl that was my best friend, I miss her still to this day. We didn't completely burn down the bridge after we broke it off, but we left it deserted for a few months. We tried again at what we had the first time, it felt familiar but it wasn't the same. I then burned the bridge when she kept assuming that I wanted to get back together with her when we would talk.

The third girl, is a sweet girl. We both burned the bridge after we did things that we wish we could take back. I hope the best for her, but it is still hard to see her with out feeling the guilt creep inside of me.

I guess the moral of this post is to find closure in your relationships when the end, so that the bridge you built is still intact. I mean we are in other peoples lives, to either build them up or build ourselves up.

Don't be like me y regret burning down a bridge that you had built with an amazing friend, girl 2. I wish were still talking one with another, I miss our conversations that we would have all night long. She still is the only girl I've stayed up all night with talking y not feeling the pressure to do anything but sit there y talk.

One date is to mkae new friends y not lead to courtship.

Yet again, I strike out before I take a swing

It's true, to become a .300 hitter you have to take the bat off your shoulders. I've had a problem these past few months, that I have been home from the Carni life, with dating. I want to date, I even convince myself that I am going to ask certain girls out, but I cannot allow myself to go through with it. Am I scared, any guy would be lying if he told you that he wasn't nervous in asking out a girl he might be interested in.
Being scared isn't the problem because as a friend once stated,
"The scariest things in life, are the most rewarding!"
I'm to hard on myself, I see other guys with girls I'm interested in y I allow the adversary to tell me that the girls are better off without having the option in going out with me or not. He wins 90% of the time once that argument is started. I think that is one of the biggest reasons, that I have started to become a hermit.
I come out of my cave at night, when I know that I will not see anybody that might recognize me. I only talk to the same 6 people week after week, but lately have been slipping away from them. I don't do the wild y crazy anymore, I'm trying to think about the consequences before I do any actions.
I don't know what is wrong with me, maybe I am growing up but I doubt it. I need to move y figure life out, that is all!!! Plus I need to stop thinking things through so much y live on a whim again.

Perfect

I don't know if I have ever posted about the guys I work with, but last night during my marathon shift here, I Am Sam was on TV, (Watching movies is one of the only thing that doesn't put me to sleep) y here is just one of the clips of dialogue that touched me;

Sam: Yeah, but I tried, I tried hard.
Rita: Try harder!
Sam: Yeah, but you don't know, you don't know!
Rita: I don't know WHAT?
Sam: Yeah, you don't know what is like when you try, and you try, and you try, and you try, and you don't ever get there! Because you were born perfect and I was born like this, and you're perfect!
Rita: Oh, is that right?
Sam: People like you don't know...
Rita: People like me?
Sam: People like you don't know what is like to get hurted. Because you don't have feelings. People like you don't feel anything!

I then sit back y realize that people do treat others that have disabilities differently. I took my guys to see the new Narnia movie at the $1 theater y the lady that was sitting behind us, as soon as we sat down, ushered her 2 kids to seats farther away from us, looking at me like I was insane for endangering her family with my guys.
Since I've been working with my guys, I've spent less time with the people I usually hung out with growing up. It's not that I have meant to do it, but I've learned so many lessons here at work. In my mind these three are just as perfect as a kid that has not reached the age of accountability that we read about in the scriptures.
The first thing that I have learned is the lesson of compassion! Have you ever been having a horrible day y do not know how to make it feel better? There are not many normal people that will take the time to figure out why, you feel bad or truly try to make you feel better. The thing is people that have mental retardation are some of the only people I know that will see a stranger crying y almost demand to give them a hug y tell them that they are loved. I know that there are some of us, that would do the same thing, but these guys are like little kids, they seriously want everyone to be happy.
Love is another feeling I've learned about here during my time with my guys. There isn't a day that doesn't go by where they are not looking for their daily hugs from me. They also will tell you how much they love you, at least 2-3 times a day. They are not ashamed of their feelings, but I wonder if we just assume ourselves that no one needs to hear it from us.
They've also mastered the art of forgiveness! I've seen so many of them say mean y hurtful things to one another only to turn right around 10 seconds later feeling bad y seeking forgiveness from whomever they have wronged. They might have told me to shut up, or that they were mad at me, but they are quick to say sorry while the other guys will always forgive them.
People are scared of what they don't know or understand. I figure that is why some people are afraid of people that I work with. Doing so, makes them feel like they are worthless y they ask us some times, do people think I'm retarded or I wish I was more perfect like you. Whenever that happens I want to take them into my arms, but again the law says I can't. We do talk though y I mention to them that they are better for what they have, not what they do not have. They have mastered three of the Christ like attributes that I am trying to obtain or perfect even more. People with a handicap are closer to being like Christ in this earth than most of us will ever be.
Try not to pass judgment to quickly, you might be surprised what you learn about others!

The Never List

I was reading a random blog of y they had a Never List. That is a list of things that you will never do. I'm ashamed to admit that my list is going to be a reminder never to do anything that I've already done in the future.

The list is subject to change, but for now this is it.

Never take the Gospel for granted
Never let fear win
Never let hatred control how I treat others
Never go a day without forgiving others
Never put myself in dangerous situations again
Never lose faith in the Lord
Never lose faith in myself
Never leave things unsaid
Never think that I am without wrong
Never give up on Love
Never fall back into my vices
Never stay quiet when I should voice what I believe in.

Fire

That is the only word I can think of that can describe what I've been through these past 24 hours. I've had sore throats before y I've been able to just buck up y handle it, but last night my throat would wake me up about every hour, keeping me from sleeping much. Try imagining a fan while camping y you can feel the warmth of the camp fire, now imagine that heated is found inside of your own throat y then intensify it 100 times. It turns out that I have strep throat, I don't remember the last time that I had strep. It was bad enough that I wasted the whole day in bed, I hate being lazy, but alas today was worth it. I am on the mend y hope to make it to school tomorrow, well today to be honest!

Don't you love flowers

So a little over a week ago, I decided to go y meet my friends roommate. I've heard a lot about her y was intrigued to get to know her a little better. So what I did was have a bouquet of flowers arraigned from my mothers garden y I cleaned out the rest of the SS treats to take over there (you can never visit someone for the first time empty handed). Well low y behold I ended up leaving the flowers over at the wrong apt. The funny thing was that I didn't even give the wrong apt my name. I assumed that it was my friends apt until she mentioned that I hadn't left anything.
Thursday I make it back over to that apt to retrieve the vase. The same girl answered the door y I explained, in detail none the less, how I had managed to end up at the wrong house y I needed the vase back, but the flowers were to remain as a welcome back to BYU present. No info was exchanged as she gracefully returned the vase with the whole "Yeah just get out of here", look plastered on her face.
As I meandered home, it dawned on me that in my back yard there were dozens of fresh flowers that needed homes y that this year I didn't have a girlfriend to take them to. So I hatched a plan to adopt my mistake apt as my new flower apt.
Saturday after the poorly played BYU game, Zac y I decided to take our flowers around y bring the students of Provo the cheer that they needed. We of course started again with my friends apt, the right one. We knocked on the door y handed the girl a nice bouquet of flowers without leaving our names, stating welcome to BYU y disappeared into the sunset, it was dusk at the moment. We had a TON of flowers left over, so for the next hour we walked the streets of BYU handing out flowers to the ladies that we passed. Most of them were surprised but graciously accepted our gifts.
It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I truly enjoyed the randomness of it all. I figure that every week, I shall take up the task of handing flowers out to anybody y everybody when I can. If only to bring a little cheer into their lives. I know that my partner in crime will gladly join me because we are pathetic like that, I mean we are not lucky to know any girls in specific to give the flowers too. Another reason why I took Zac along with me, was because I tried to knock on the door of my friend to meet her roommate before, but I could not. The butterflies in my stomach were to much. So I fell onto my safety net, Zac. I'm weak I know, I just haven't been this nervous to meet anyone for a long time. Well the moral of the story is, if you see two random guys on BYU handing out flowers, we're not looking for your numbers or to flirt with you, we just want to bring cheer into your day!

The Heroes journey

I hope that no female that reads this post will think that I am a sexist pig, because I am not. This is a blog all about how dating is just like the heroes journey. It all starts for most Latter Day Saints around the age of 16. We are given all that task to start dating. As we start we are not as comfortable with it as we should be, but it grows on us. As all Heroes, we also take leave from our life to change ourselves to fully accept our quest or duties; we serve a mission for two years.
After returning we are supposed to go y follow that white rabbit down the hole or go y find the Holy Grail aka future companion.
Along the way we have many mini quests that help prepare us to obtain our desire. We date, we earn money to go on dates y meet new people. There are also set backs in our quest, we have our hearts broken, we lose our jobs, we fail a class, but in the end good always triumphs over evil.
You can argue that true life is nothing like that, people have our their own free choice y that good doesn't always win, sometimes "Goliath kicks the crap out of David" and that is true, but like I said, it is just a minor set back.
Once you get out there y find your Holy Grail, don't let go, but if you do lose her, don't worry you'll find her. You just have to wait your turn y not give up, because she's out there (or he, for the female sake) just learning what to contrast you against.
In the end we will all win, but it might not be with whom we think it will be. So my faithful Heroes on your own personal quests, don't give up hope. Be humbly y keep on keepin' on!!!

Time

So a close family friend was over the other day y was talking to my mom about her relationship woes, well mainly was getting it off her chest how guys dumb, she's had two guys try to kiss her in the past week, but then their conversation turned towards others y their relationships that they are in or are not in. I admit, I was sitting downstairs taking in every word, mainly because my name came up y they talked about how an old girl that I dated y contemplated marrying broke my heart. Hearing this opened the flood gate of emotions that I've hidden so well over the past year.
I had to leave the house to figure out why I still felt the way that I did for this certain female. So I went on a power hike up the Y trying to bury the memories y pain. While I was sitting a top of the Y the impressions came to me, first that I live in an amazing part of Provo to be able to leave my house y boom, I have a canyon y the Y trail head right there to climb y the other was this is why you've not had luck with other girls since, you're afraid of the same thing happening.
This post most likely doesn't make any sense to anyone else, since my thoughts are not people thoughts y people thoughts are not my thoughts.
Just to our family friend, my mom was correct the girl did break my heart, came back y gave me hope only to pour salt back into the wounds again. It's to the point that where ever I go, that I have gone with her, I see her there. It's been over a year since we dated y yeah.
To those that have had their hearts ripped out y never given back, don't give up hope like I have. Give it time y all will be better. I'm starting to have faith again y it does get better with time. Just give it time, nothing else will help you cope with it, but good friends y a nice long cry!!!!

Hearts

Last night I watched a movie entitled "The Mighty". It's about two boys that have a few problems physically y mentally, but when they are together they make up one person. The love they show each other, really touched me. Max loved Freak more than anyone else, I mean the kid was abnormally big for his age in the movie, but Freak was freakishly small y the other characters in the movie made many comments about the how much love Max had in his heart for others. He was what Freak called a "Pass a Fist", because he would try to stay out of trouble.

I bring this up because I've been thinking about me. I like to think of myself as a friend to all no matter of how they looked or what limitations that they had. I also bring this up because it reminded me a lot of President Monson. It has been said by a highly ranked official in another religion; "Once you meet Tom, he's your friend". I think that is a nice compliment coming from another leader of another faith. So why can't we be more like the Prophet? Why should we let anger or pride enter into our lives? Why can we not be happy all of the time?

School

Well today another dismal outing with Sunday Scribble. I dunno, I canceled it the week before because I didn't want to be around people, today was the exact same thing minus canceling it. I've been in a rut for the past week of not wanting to see anybody y just keep to myself.
I'm hoping that I come out of this. I hate feeling this way, but I'm just letting the stress of life take over. It's not that school is to hard, I've only had 3 days of class y I'm not behind, yet.
So if no one hears from me over the next few weeks, it's cause I'm taking a LONG break from life.

Was it fun?

So this past weekend we had the third annual Scavenger hunt. Well in the end my team was victorious y walked away with our heads held high or did we? I won't lie at the moment I was stoked that my team won, but the next day I felt empty inside. I've also lost the desire to compete next year.
The previous year, my team placed 2nd in the hunt but I was happy when it was all said y done. That next day, I was cheerful as I was the day before. My only explanation is, the first year I participated, I actually went with someone that I cared about y wanted to go with. This year the two girls I wanted to go with couldn't go. The first one was moving to Logan that day y the second said yes at first, but later bailed out cause she "had to study" for the LSAT.
I ended up going with someone that I didn't know y so did my team ate. I'm not saying that the girls were bad girls, they were actually a lot of fun to hang out with, but it was just different. I now what it feels like to go on a date y come away with an empty feeling, as in why did I just do that. I don't think it was my date, but I just wasn't into it as I thought I was.

Oops

So I totally offened someone with my blog, that is a first. I mean the person was PISSED. I feel bad, but what can you do, besides delete it y move on.
Well all I can say is that work is amazing, I love my job. Each day I am truly humbled by the blessings that I have been given. I work with three men who have mental y physical limitations. I go to their house y help them by taking them out into society to interact with others. I also teach them life skills. This is one of the most rewarding jobs that I have. Now it doesn't pay as well as the other job I had here in Provo, but I can actually see how I am helping others. I came to the fact today that the people born with mental problems y serious physical limitations are the people that have a lot more going for them than someone like me. These people really what the scriptures would say, like a "child". I'm really grateful for the lessons that I have learned there over the past two weeks!
Side note, my blog is really negative y I need to make seem more possitve so I'm going to try to actually write more about the good things in my life that have affected me.
Another side note, Team Black will not lose this year unless we are still dateless by the time we have the scavenger hunt.

Looking for a cool person

So for the Scavenger hunt we have coming up I'm torn in between asking two girls. Both of the ladies are long shots y I know that they more than likely will not be able to go, but who knows.
The first girl is my friends sister in-law y another friends really good friend. She's from VA y I really do not know her. I put the ball in her court asking something dumb if we could talk one with another only to ask her about the scavenger hunt, but yeah we really do not know each other.
The second girl, I knew back in High School y as fate would have it, we have recently been put back in touch one with another. We've been hanging out a lot over the past few days. The only thing is that she starts school on the 25th of August at USU y I think that she is wanting to go back to Logan on the 23rd.
I dunno if I should keep waiting for VA to respond or if I should buck up y just ask USU to go to help team black win.
If both fall through, I'll be looking for a girl that is super competitive, funny, not totally freaked out by hanging out with random people y doing random things all day. So if any of ya'll know anyone, let me know!!!

Super FELIZ

All I can say is that there are many things people take for granted. I recently have lost something that I had loved so much before only to do something stupid y lose it. I am now or will be soon able to enjoy it yet again.
I am humbled to see how lost I was without it y how much I've longed to be there y feel the wonderful spirit that is contains. Just a few more days y I'll be able to be whole yet again!

The Third Annual Event

So the other day my mom mentioned how we should do another scavenger hunt this year. That is all the motivation that I needed to invite others to participate in our adventure. For all of ya'll that have no idea why this is such a big deal let me explain the history of it.
If you have never seen the movie Scavenger hunt, then you shall never understand it. It is a movie that pretty much is a scavenger hunt (Well a HUGE one). A bunch of people want the estate of a dead relative, so they need to complete there list by the end of the day. Well my mom took that movie to heart y when I was on my mission, she set up a huge group date with my little brother y his friends. All I heard about it, that it was a lot of fun.
Well 2 years later when most of the original participants are home we did the 2nd scavenger hunt. One of the guys didn't like the time of the first one, so for him we shortened it y it seemed that we didn't have a lot of time to get all of the items. It was enjoyable, but in the end my team lost by 10 points because we read a clue wrong.
This year we are making it longer y we have now cut out all of the pictures y videos. It'll be purely grab y bag. We figure the more items that we can fit into our park the better it will be. Also my team has decided that we need more competitive girls, so that they will not allow Kenny y I to slack off.
If I could compare the teams this year to last year, I'd say that there is a more competitive spirit about them, so it will be entertaining.
Again to all of those who are involved y read this, you will lose. I'm sorry. Team black will not lose!

The Timp Adventure

It was a late night last night, well I never really went to bed. So the adventure started as Zac y I were sitting on the hood of our ride waiting for another friend that we hadn't really talked to in a years. Well Darcy arrived y we embarked on our adventure.
Well it all started off with Zac y I needing something to tide us over for the evening, since we hadn't eaten all day y were about to Subir Mt. Timp. After our little side trip we got lost looking for the Cavemen high school. We maneuvered the car through the neighborhoods of AF, only to be encountered by a sign that read; "Road Closed". We were faced with two decisions, knowing that our destination lay on the other side of the sign, we decided to ignore the sign y take the road anyways. Nothing exciting happened y we arrived at the school to meet up with the rest of the group.
Now as we continue this story, let me put into context who went with us, you had Miles(me), Zac, Darcy, Erin y the young ones. The young ones were guys that Erin knew y invited to come. They all were 18y very immature. After spending 5 min with them, I realized how young they really were, we're talking about their mentality. We piled into the truck y took off towards the trail head.
The hike up to the summit of Timp, was peaceful. The moon lit our path as Zac, Darcy, Erin y I, silently as possible made our way up the trail. We left the young ones a ways back, as we were quite annoyed by the loudness of them all.
The silence of the mountain brought peace to the soul y a better understanding of why Satan is trying so hard to destroy the silence. You really could feel the presence of our Lord as we were awed by the amazing view that we had.
Right before we subired the cliffs of insanity we were awed by the view of Happy Valley. We could see from Provo to AF y then some. The lights filled me with wonder y put into my head, what am I doing to better help the people I know.
The only thing that brought those thoughts to a halt, was the cold wind that was bellowing from all directions. We sought out shelter in the little hot dog stand on top of Timp, but were not fortunate to warm up, so we decided to all cuddle one with another. To shorten the story, I ended up with a guy laying on my legs, as my legs were on top of Erin y Darcy was wrapped in my arms. It wasn't quite comfortable, but it gave us the little body heat that we needed to get through until the sunrise.
On the way down the Mt. Zac, Darcy y I took another way. We cut let on the first bank of Snow that we saw y had to make our own way down to find a new trail to go back on. We pretty much did everything just short of scaling down the face of a cliff, but do not worry it did cross our minds. By the time we made it down the Mt. Erin had taken the other people to their car, so we had to wait for her to make it back to the base of Timp y take us back to our car.
The ride home, was entertaining y hilarious. I wish I could remember everything that was said y done. Just remember that when I am tired, I am not accountable for my actions. I had been awake for 30 hours straight y I actually sang along to My Two front Teeth while dancing with my hands y driving all at the same time.
The trip was enjoyable y I want to do it again!

BYU y Looking for the one

So I've recently read many blogs y have talked to a number of females that are attending BYU that have all told me that they are really here for the whole. "Find a good Mormon Husband" y do the BYU thing. My first reaction will always be, "Why are you here then?"
In my mind you go to college to get an education y not to find someone to marry. I'm not saying that getting married is not important, but why pay $1,750 if all you want to do is get married? It seems like a really expensive dating service to me. I know that I'll have people tell me that we're supposed to get married y further along the kingdom of God, which I totally agree with, but who says we have to do it within 2-5 years of graduating? Show me where it says if you are not married by the time you are 30 that you are a horrible person?
To those who have the mentality that if you go to BYU you will find true love, I say take a step back y really find out what you want in life. If it is not to go to school y just find a guy to be with, then I say don't waste your money. Find a job, save up money y move into a apt complex. In the end, you will save a lot of money y you will have that social network that you need to find someone to be with. This also applies to males.

Random pic

So this is a random picture of my two cousins on their first ferry ride. I am not a photo taker (sounds better than the real term) but I enjoyed y still enjoy the moment that I captured with my camera.

Fear

Does fear rule this world? Does is have an effect on our decisions that we make? How many times have we not done something due to the fact that we were afraid to do it, because we did not know the outcome. Fear is something that stalls us in our progression in bettering our lives. I'm not saying that we shouldn't allow our children to play with strangers or anything to that regard, but those gut feelings that we have, as in; I should call X person to check up on them, I should say hi to him, etc.
I recently read a book, that explains that people are afraid of things that they do not understand. I completely agree with that. Before I do something that I have not done before, I have a little fear inside of me, but it's conquering that fear that will help us achieve our true potential.
To those that let fear run their lives, I say get out of your comfort zone, because you are missing out on so many wonderful things. Don't sell yourselves short on new experiences that will only help you be a better person. If you make a mistake, take in the lesson learned y move on, do not dwell on it or worry about making mistakes. You are not human y you will mess up.
Just be responsible for your actions but do not fear life. There is so much potential in each y every one of us. Are we living up to that potential? I say not all of us.

Off the Wall

So it was Memorial day weekend when my Uncle y I headed to Portland to set up the Double Bounce y the Rock Climbing wall for the Rose Festival. Monday morning we set the wall up on the water front. The rain was drizzling and we kept slipping y sliding around. After we had finnished that my uncle drove back to Grangeville y I decided to spend some time in Portland with the family that I had there.
I met my cousin at his girlfriends house for a BBQ that day. We sat around talking y playing games. I was the oldest one there by far, since everyone else was about 17-19, well my cousin is almost 21. He left me with all of these kids that I had never met before in my life after a couple of hours to go see a movie with his girlfriend. Well I ended up going to another BBQ with the youngins that night, while also playing a round of Mini golf y finnishing off the night watching the "Man Who Knew to Little."

I talked y hung out with a girl named Steph that night and actually the next day also. First impression of her was, she seems nice y she would be fun to hang out with. After driving around with her all morning Tuesday, I wanted to shoot myself. She turned out to be completely out of it. I haven't met someone that crazy in a long time. I kept trying to find a excuse to get AWAY from her. I was saved by my cousin y her family. I had Steph drop me off at Amie's (cousin) house y I said, "Well, see you later".
Within a couple of days we started the 10 day gauntlet of working. Let me describe the workers that we had for the 10 day show.
Me: Well, ya'll know that I'll work hard y keep working no matter what.
Aunt: She's a hard worker.
Tara: She is a 15 year old girl that I wanted to slap so many times. She was on her cell phone more than she would talk y work with others. I almost broke her phone.
Nic: Was the gay kid whom my aunt y uncle knew. The first thing he told me was he didn't like little kids or talking to stangers. (Why did he work with us? I have no idea!!!)

Miranda: She's a girl that has forgone her morals y likes to party now a days. She snuck out one night to meet up with a friend from around there. I acutally caught her y gave her 30 min to get back to the house or I would have awakened my aunt. I was pissed.

The festival was fun. I met some of the coolest people ever. I made really good friends with some people that made Indian food, so they fed me about every other day for free. My aunt is a good friend owned something called "The Big Shot". It Basically is a huge sling shot that will launch you into the air (250 ft). We also had our pictures taken with a baby tiger. All in all the show was alright for us, but once we left Portland, I was so happy to get out of there.

Cherry: We arrvived in Emmett ID 2 days before the show was supposed to start, so we were able to spend time with my Grandma in Middleton before it started. Well all I can really say about Emmett is that it was super slow y super hot. Our second day at the show I was jumping a girl named Ileah, she ended up kicking me in the face on her way up. Let us say, that through that moment I met her sister Ashley. I ran the 2 mile fun run at that race y sucked it up. I ran a 12:37, so not to bad, but I took 4th.

Well we had a week off inbetween the Cherry festival y Dairy Days. I didn't go home to Grangeville because we were headed right back down to the same area 4 days later. I decided to spend time with Ashely in Emmett y my grandma in Middleton. Ashley has now become one of my really good friends. I mean it's the first person in a long time that I can actually talk to y not have the fear of being judged. I'll write more about her in another post.

Dairy Days: It was also another HOT weekend in ID. I mean it was only 95ish both days. We didn't have many people come to the show, so we pretty much sat around y read all weekend. I did finnish The Count of Monte Cristo. It was a good book.

Well the Title is a hint that I am done being a Carni. My Aunt y Uncle sold their business y I am now out of a job, y I am coming home here real soon. Pics are coming.

How you get there

Last night my family y I watched a movie entitled, "The King of California". I had heard a lot about this movie from a dear friend. He was correct to tell me that the movie was worth watching and really really funny, but it was the message that stuck with me that made the difference.
It's a movie about a Dad y his daughter on a treasure hunt in California. Charlie tells Miranda that it wasn't about the gold, but the adventure was important.
This is how I would explain my adventures with my good friend. We decided that everyone was in a hurry that they are missing the excitement in life that they could all have. People are to stressed out with work, money, school y family. Those are all great things to worry about, but if you do not slow down every now and then, you're not going to enjoy life.
A couple of months ago, Desperado y I drove a Uhaul from Seattle to Provo UT. We stopped at anything that seemed interesting to take pictures, little restaurants to eat in. We enjoyed life y the drive home. 2 weeks later we drove to Southern Utah for fun. We spent the whole afternoon exploring little one street podunk towns. We've had a lot of adventures before are recent ones y we shall have many more as soon as he joins me on my carni tour!

update

So I've been here for about a month and we've had 4 shows. I'll try to be better on updating our shows. So here is a quick run through of our recent shows.

Dog Wood: I arrived here on a Wed after being up all night on a Gray Hound. I think it was one of the most entertaining trips that I have ever been on. Well I arrived and was whisked away to Lewiston ID, for our first weekend show. It was a fun little show. Nothing to exicting happened except for the tye-dye sign that read; Made in Oregon. I was so happy only because we all know that hippies come from Oregon and one of the whinches broke so we only had one bungee tramp.

Hippie fest: The next week we went to Moscow ID for there mini shaksperean festival. It was run by hippies for hippes and we made a fair share of money because we had a lot of climbers and the same whinch that we had fixed during the off week broke yet again. After setting up on Friday my Uncle and I drove all over Mosocw, Lewiston y Clackston trying to find a place to sleep. We finally found a walmart that was open y purchased sleeping bags. We drove back to the park around 1am and crashed in the truck.
They had live music and hippie dancing the whole day we were there working. The best group was a latino group from LA. We sat there and enjoyed the music that they played for us.

Oregon City: So far this has been the worst run fair that I have been to. It was suppost to be a family festival, but it was run by a gay man and ozzie ozbourne named Rebekah. I liked Rocky, I mean he was a very nice guy and really went out of his way to make everyone feel welcomed. The woman version of Ozzie was the complete oposite! She was in charge of the music and for two days we listened to rap, hevay metal and other crap. It wasn't a good show for us finacially. We packed everything up Sat night and drove home all night, so that we wouldn't have to be there on Sunday.

Anacortes: The first show in the heat of the summer. On Sat it was 93 degrees in northern WA. I truly loved the town of Anacortes. It is all surrouned by water. I left the show a lot darker than I have been since my mission. I figure that I will continue to darken up until I'm a nice golden color. We worked both days in the same kind of weather and loved it.

We have a week and a half off before we head out for 3 weeks straight. We'll start in Portland for 10 days and then off to a town close to Boise for a week. I'll do my best to keep ya'll posted!

Change

I spent a day in Seattle with my father y his partner Denny. Whenever I am with them we usually go to the movies and we went to see Prince Caspian. It is an amazing movie, but it helped me realize that it is time for me to grow up and mature.
I'm the kind of person that it more comfortable playing with litte kids y trying to befriend the teenagers to given them a good role model, for a change. I've let my hair grow y now with my tan I remind people of a surf bum from California.
I've felt like it is time for me to grow up y take things more seriously than I have before. I mean I am immature y jump to a lot of rational conclussions, but this is not one of them. I've spent a lot of time looking at what has happened to me over the past year. I haven't made any new friends due to the fact that I'm not able to feel comfortable around them. I'm still trying to hold on to apart of my past because I'm affraid to walk off into the darkness not knowing where to go.
Another thing that has helped me realize this is spending time with my three girls (Addie, Kate y Zoe). They are the cutest little girls that you could ever know. I've seen what it takes to be a parent and I've come to the realization that I'm not ready for that, I've a long way to go to ever consider getting married.
The first thing that will change is the appearance. I'm no longer going to have long hair, for it is a sign of laziness and a slob. I want people to look at me as they did when I was a missionary. I was clean cut and the first impression was always good. The one person that I need to be more like is my little brother.
By changing my outward appearnce I'll be able to change, slowly but do able, my personality to become a more reponsible young man y someone that people can turn to, to get things done.

David Archuletta Sucks

I'm sorry to offend all of you Archuletta fanatics, but I cannot stand him. Okay so I've never been a person to watch American Idol, but since I've been living here at my Aunt's house and her girls are in love with the show, I watch it with them.
I have been impressed by Dave Cook. I think he will make the most money than all of the other contestants at this moment. He's just a person that can really belt out the music and he knows how to perform.
Now why I do not like Señor Archuletta. Well there is only one reason, he destroys amazing songs. I'm not saying that he does not have a good voice, but his renditions of the lyrics and the music is almost as bad as my own singing. I just wish America would wisen up and vote him off.

Intruder

I'm hoping to blog more this summer so that a few of my good friends that I will not see for a few, can understand what it is like to be a carni. First off Zac don't worry you'll be here soon enough and Kenny you should come and ditch the love birds to chill with me and Zac, I'll get you a couple of passes for a show or two.
Well on Sunday afternoon, when my aunt and I returned to her humble home, her three dautghers came running out of the house to greet us. They mentioned how much they had missed us and were glad that we were home.
I followed the four of them into the house and sat back to watch my aunt go up to the living room and sit there with my uncle and their 4 kids. I felt like I was somewhere where I shouldn't be. Not that I couldn't have joined them and been welcomed, but I felt like they needed their time as a family.
It helped me see what really does matter here in this life time and that is to be able to have a family and be able to support them. I know it's not easy to have one, trust me I've expeirenced it here over the past week, but it's the little moments that makes everything else pass away. It also made me feel homesick. I've never felt like that before y I've traveled a ton. On my mission I never once was home sick. But this past weekend I was.

New Job

Well this past weekend was my first taste of my new job and I will tell you that I'm in heaven. I felt like I actually was able to do something that I enjoy.
It's not like I didn't like my other job, but I never really enjoyed it. I never once felt like people wanted or needed me there. They said they did, but they really didn't.
I'm just happy to be doing something new and exciting. I'll miss a couple of people that I worked with at my old job, but other than those few, I will not look back.

Education

Our English teacher yesterday was trying to explain the importance of hard work. He was showing us examples of people that have work hard to become perfectionists in their area of work. One of the examples he used was that of Jimmy Page.
He introduced Jimmy as being a member of the greatest American rock band to exist. As soon as he mentioned American Rock and greatest, I knew he was talking about Led Zeppelin. I was sitting next to 3 freshman, all of whom are 18, and the looks on their faces when he mentioned Led Zeppelin made me shake my head in disgust. They had no idea who Led Zeppelin was.
I watched them look at each other and shake their heads, as if our teacher was crazy and had no idea what music really was. I almost took the ipod away from one of them to "see" what their idea of music was, but I decided to sit back and enjoy their blank stares.
As I was leaving I heard one of them mention the name Kurt Cobain. That almost sent me over the edge. They were that uneducated that first off they had never heard of Led Zeppelin and #2 they actually thought Nirvana, a talentless band, had talent.
I'll give Kurt enough credit to say that he was a lyrical genius but nothing else. He doesn't even rank amongst the best guitar players in the world, living and dead.
Led Zeppelin brought something into this world that will never be taken out of it! Kurt Cobain tried to do something but failed miserably.

The Third Tag

You are supposed to answer with the first things that come into your head.
Here goes on this one:

1. Where is your cell phone? In my pocket

2. Your hair? A mess

3. Work? A Chore

4. Your Father? On his own

5. Your favorite thing? cuddling

6. Your dream last night? Don't remember

7. Your favorite drink? Apple Beer

8. Your dream car? The Camero from "Better Off Dead."

9. The room you are in? My prison

10. Your fears? Ending up being alone
11. What do you want to be in ten years? Happy with a family

12. Who did you hang out with last night? Kati

13. What you are not good at? Answers to a test I didn't study for

14. Muffin? Mmmmmm

15. One of your wish list items? A person to love

16. Where you grew up? Provo y Seat

17. Last thing you did? Watched a movie with Kati

18. What are you wearing? clothes, it's cold outside

19. What aren't you wearing? female clothes

20. Your pet? Momo

21. Your computer? Apple

22. Your life? It's alright

23. Your mood? Enjoyable

24. Missing? My mother

25. What are you thinking about right now? My tooth

26. Your car/truck? dying on me

27. Your summer? Right around the corner

28. Your relationship status? For the moment I'm taken

29. Your favorite color? Black and Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed with meaning? On Sat while rock climbing

31. Last time you cried? Friday while watching Martian Child

32. School? Don't remind me

33. Least favorite weather? COLD

34. Soup? Tomato Basil

35. Movie? Martian Child, Dead Poets Society, other thinking movies

The Numbers game from Sean

Sean tagged me in this post so here we go!

10 years ago I was : I was going through a little adventure called Puberty! What an experience. I'm glad that I will not have to go through this again.

5 things on my to do list for today: Clean the house, do two chapters in my Psychology book, go the endodontist, Do sections 5.1 y 5.2 for math and do a little research for my paper in English.

4 things I would do if I became a billionaire: Travel, Try to help as many people as I could, buy a get away cabin in the hills of Ireland, go on a cruise.

3 bad habits: not cleaning up my room, never truly giving myself credit for anything, procrastinating

5 places I have lived: Provo - UT, Bountiful - UT, West Jordan - UT, Jujuy - AR, Seattle WA

5 jobs I have had: Janitor at the MTC, Cook at the MTC, Launch Team for Bright Builders, Lawn care at my own house, Slave for my mother

6 Things most people don't know about me: I'm not a fan of the tv show The Office, I'm a avid reader, when I have the time, I love chic flicks, I hate to see people going through at hard time, I love board games, I try to make peoples life easier all of the time.

What am I going to be reading?

I read Sean's blog and saw this post. I purchased this book yesterday to reread. I opened the book up to page 123 and went 5 lines down. The next three read:

"Mercy!"
Javert turned his back.
The soldiers seized her by the arms.

This is one of my favorite books that I have ever read. I put it on my summer reading list with three other books yesterday. The other three are, The Road, Kite Runner, and The Counte of Monte Cristo.

Inadequate

I took a look at a couple of events that have happened in my life as of late. Mainly I've looked at this new relationship that has started to blossom between me y K. I see other people that look so happy together and wonder if I will ever have what they have. I am happy when I am with K, but I know it will not last, she'll pray about it and know that it's not supposed to work, y I'll be thrown back into the same mess I was in before.
I shouldn't think like this, but I cannot help it. Whenever I find something/someone that I truly care about I lose them or they leave me for something better. It really feels like that to me. My mom tells me that I give my heart away to easily and it's true, I do. I'm not like the typical male, that will saw what he wants y uses the girl until he's tired of her y decides to move on. I truly do care about how others feel and I try my best to make others feel loved.
I was promised that one day I would find that person and be truly happy, but I have lost most hope in doing that. I know I am young, but I've seen to much pain in my life to not always be prepared for them to leave me or use me.
I'll enjoy what I have right now, knowing that it most likely won't last. I have no confidence in myself y I know it. Life is great, but I cannot wait to get out of what I am in right now and move off into the great unknown that is waiting for me.

My Tiny Dancer

Over the past few weeks, I've been getting to know a certain young lady in my ward better. Well I home teach her and her roommate. I've been hanging out with her for a while now but I couldn't allow myself to like her because of the following:

1. I am her home teacher
2. She is in my ward
3. She has a missionary out who left in Nov.

Well those were my concerns that I had after our first date. I mean I couldn't stop thinking about her after one date. I would make excuses to go and visit her to just see her and be around her, home teacher, right?
Her roommate started to try to give me hints that I should date her, but I could never bring myself to do it, due to the items listed above. I was afraid of being rejected, yet again by another female.
Last week I decided that I was going to tell her how I felt about her, until I found out that she was heading to Cali with a couple of other guys from the ward. I had a feeling that she might like one of them or the other way around. I decided to give up, but my friend Kenny and Tiatia, kept telling me that Cali was nothing.
Well last night I took her to the BYU vs Utah basketball game. After the game we went to what I call the tunnel of doom. It reminds me of the beginning of "Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark" movie. Only that the spiders are all dead in the winter, but their webs are still hanging up. In there I decided to tell her exactly how I felt and see where it went. It ends up that she has been waiting for me to open up and yeah. We talked about the concerns that I had and decided that they were not important at all.
A little about my friend. She's only 5'3". She has amazing little brown hair with a hint of red hair. Her blue eyes are enough to melt someones heart. If she hasn't won you over yet, then all she has to do is flash you an radiant smile. How can anyone resist such a smile? She's down to earth and just a nice person.

2 1/2 months and counting

I love Utah but I've gotten to the point that I am fed up of being here in a place of no change. I need change in my life. My life at the moment is going to school and then to work. Day in and day out. On the weekends I'll get together with some buddies of mine, unless they are busy with their girls, and we'll hang out. It's not that I don't appreciate everyone and appreciate my life I just need a change. I need to leave the bubble I am living in and go somewhere, where not everyone had the same values, where I can make a difference for doing what is right. Here I am just lost in the crowd.
I keep telling myself that I am going to leave Provo and come back occasionally, but I cannot bring myself to leave my mom and my good friend Zac. Both need me at the moment, but for how much longer? Will I be ready to leave when I am not needed anymore? It seems that no matter how much I've tried to change everyone keeps pulling me back down to how I used to be, let me free. I need to be free.
I'm sick of the same question I always receive from others, are you dating? Do you have a GF? Are you engaged? The answer will always be no until they stop asking. I don't date, why because I cannot win. No matter how hard I've tried I've never been good enough for anyone in Utah.
If I want to leave so bad, why did I decide to run for Utah Valley next year? I've come to the fact that track is the only thing that truly makes me happy besides reading my scriptures and doing other churchy things.
Those were a few things that have been bothering me as of late. I need to be better at posting.

How are we progressing?

Today in my religion class we talked about the first 4 chapters of 1st Nephi. We were talking about having the faith to get out of our comfort zone and walk into the dark. Nephi has his famous I will go and do verse in 1st Nephi 3:7. In 4:6 he is acting upon what he stated in the previous chapter.

My teacher then asked us how many times we ourselves boast about being able to do things but then not doing them. How many times are we like Laman and Lemuel doing the things of the Lord but complaining the whole time.

While sitting in class I had the impression that this is what I needed to do. I had to follow Nephi's example and take a chance and live by my faith. I've always been someone who will not do anything until I could see the benefits to doing that one thing. I've come to the conclusion that I must just start walking blind for a little bit to be able to find out where I must end up.
It's like my friends say, a parked car can get you no where.

Chuck and Larry

I've had people recomend this movie to me over the past couple of days. When I tell them no they are confussed why I have no desire to see this movie. I've never tried to explain it to anyone but to be blunt I've lived that movie.
Okay I haven't ever decided to pretend to be gay to make money, or ever would ocnsider that option but I do have a Gay father who did get "married" (If you can even call it that). I was invited to the wedding and had to tel my Dad that I wouldn't go. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. Well that "marriage" lasted a whole 3-4 months and then came a divorce.
Well I am only posting this because my father has decided that he is again in love and has a date set for another wedding. This is something that I cannot stand for. I know that it is going to destroy him when I tell him that I will not go. Last time he didn't communicate with my brother and I for a few months. This time he is going to flip and not understand again. I know exactly what is going to happen and it will not be pretty.
So I am warning anyone who reads this that if you see me and I look a little heated I jsut got off the phone with my dad.

How Life Throws You Curve Balls

"Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hold onto her forever."

It is a liI ne from the movie entitled the Italian Job. This is a line that started me thinking again this past weekend.

Well last summer I started dating the coolest girl that I have ever known. We dated for 3 1/2 months when she came to me out of the blue and told me that she had prayed about if we should stay together and was told that we shouldn't. Well she called it off and I was heart broken. I've now come to find out that since that day 4-5 months ago, I have become more anti social then ever before.

I am posting this because she has now come back into my life. On Thursday of last week, when I went home, my mom told me that Diane had been over and talked to her for 3 hours. I wasn't surprised because over the past few months she has tried to have me over for dinner, but I always made an excuse up why I wasn't able to make it at the given time.

I had a date bail on me for Friday, so against what I believed and had told myself I called her up and we went to a movie on Friday. Since then the flood gate has been opened. She told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted. She also said that she feels so happy to be around me and my friends. It seems that she wants to get back together but at the same time she doesn't. She also said that she is scared of commitment and wants to try and live on faith. Well she broke up with me because, she said that she had prayed about it. So I dunno if that was just a lie that she told me to split us up.

I know have no idea what to do. I missed her a ton but I don't think that I could be her friend and see her with other guys. I've tried so many different ways to forget about her but I cannot seem to do so. I want to date her again but I have my doubts that it would do either of us any good.